Easter Dispair (Easter 2006)

It’s hard to put into words the isolation I feel—my clouded mind struggles to purify a thought that would be pleasing. Pleasing to you God, but more so for those who watch my faith. The ebb and flow of emotions that I experience don’t fit well into the picture of an unknown yearning. I wish it was simple and I wish it made sense.

……

I woke up today to discomfort. Not a physical discomfort but a discomfort of spirit. In spite of faith the despair remains—it is just overshadowed by plastic joy of a resurrection taught on Easter Sunday. Like the empty tomb there was nothing there. Apathy.
The celebration of this day—empty, and the comfort of risen Christ goes unnoticed. Things just weren’t right—my mind unsettled by a night of little sleep and violent dreams. How could I come before His thrown? Yet, I spent the day trying.
The silence of God discouraging, as doubt takes over. Is this where I am supposed to be? Am I where you want me God? The hollowness I feel--indescribable. As I listen to my heart and for your voice, God, I wonder should I remain where I am.